I Only Hear What I Want To
by Suze
Summary: A bitter separation is pondered at the moment of departure...


# I Only Hear What I Want To

## by Susan "Suze" Howe

  
  
  
Disclaimer: All JQ characters are the property of HB, WB, Turner, etc., etc. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made. Lyrics to "Stay" are the copyright of Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories. 

Archivers: If you think it's worth it, please feel free. 

Categories: M, A, V 

Summary: A bitter separation is pondered at the moment of departure... 

  
  


> _You say, I only hear what I want to_

They sat in the airport terminal waiting for the plane that would take them back to Colombia. 

Home. 

No one noticed the beautiful red-haired woman and her small daughter. No one knew the significance of this moment. 

How had this happened? When had her dreams suddenly become a nightmare? 

> _And you say, I talk so all the time, so....  
And I thought what I felt was simple..._

She thought that she had loved him. Hell, they'd had a child together. But it wasn't meant to be. 

> _And I thought that I don't belong..._

She couldn't stay...not anymore. Too many things....said and unsaid... 

> _And now that I am leavin'  
Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I miss you...  
Yeah, I miss you...._

The great, invulnerable, immovable Race Bannon. 

How could she face life without him? But she couldn't go back to the way things were.... 

> _You say, I only hear what I want to  
I don't listen hard, don't pay attention_

You've never understood me completely, but I could forgive that. But you never _accepted_ me...never accepted my decisions about **my** life! 

> _To the distance that you're running, to anyone, anywhere  
I don't understand, if you really care, I'm only hearin' negative  
No no, not that...._

Damn it! Why couldn't you have reached out a little more? Why didn't you try to understand what I was feeling...what I was going through? 

Why couldn't you love me enough? 

> _So I, I turn the radio on, I turn the radio on  
There's this woman who's singing my song  
Lovers in love, that the others ran away  
Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay_

I won't. I won't cry over you! **YOU** are the one who cut me off. You are the one who wouldn't let me in. You are the one who didn't trust me... 

> _And some of us hover while we weep for the other  
Who was dying since the day he was born_

No. 

I won't cry for you. 

> _Well, well...this is not that, I think that I'm throwin'  
But I'm thrown_

Only for me. 

> _And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure_

I feel old. So old. Too many things have happened to me. I lost too much. Can I recover? 

I don't know. 

But I have to go on. For my child... 

> _You try to tell me that I'm clever, but that won't take me anyhow  
Or anywhere, with you..._

I'm not feeling so clever now.... 

Is this right? Can I really leave him behind and start over? 

> _You said that I was naive and I thought I was strong  
I thought, "Hey I can leave, I can leave"_

I **can** leave! 

I must leave. 

> _But now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I miss you  
Yeah, I miss you..._

Oh, but it hurts. It hurts so much... 

> _You said "You caught me 'cause you want me  
And one day I'll let you go"_

It was inevitable. I had to go. 

We...had to go our separate ways.... 

> _You tried to give a way a keeper, you kept me 'cause you know  
You're just so scared to lose....._

I know that you didn't want to lose me, but I just couldn't stay. 

Not like this. Not now. 

But I can't help but wish... 

> _And you say...._

I wish.... 

> _Stay...._

She whirled around at the sound. 

  
  
"Daddy?!?!?!?" 

  
  
Jessie's face fell as she realized that the whispered plea was only the echo of her own foolish hope. 

Race wasn't there. He would never be there again. He could never forgive her for being with _him_. 

For bearing his child. 

For...so many things... 

  
She shook herself from her reverie and smiled sadly at her daughter. "Come on, Rachel. We've got to get on the plane..." The baby fussed and tossed her tiny fists in the air. "I know, Ponchita....I miss Grandpa, too..." 

She silently she gathered up their few belongings and resolutely walked through the gate without looking back... 

> _And you say, I only hear what I want to...._

  
FINIS 

******************************************************* 

So what do you think? 

I thought I'd gotten all of the angst out of my system with "A Terrible Loss", but I guess there was still a leeeetle bit hanging around. I SWEAR that's it for a while though. This stuff is way too depressing for me to keep it up! 

I'm not really sure how well this worked - this is my first attempt at this sort of thing, after all - so any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated! 

All comments can be forwarded to me at [suze1@mediaone.net][1]. 

Thanks for reading! 

  
-- Suze 

  
© Susan Howe 1997 

   [1]: mailto:suze1@mediaone.net



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